Ah! Mom guilt, we all love it, right?? No, but we do all know it well. At least, more than anything, we know its crippling effects.
There was one morning….we were rushing as usual, had to get 4 kids under 4 out the door to the Boys speech therapy. It wasn’t far but we had to drive, so the Babes (my twin girls) were already in their infant car seats and I’m trying to get the Boys (my twin boys) ready. One is already climbing around the van, honking the horn repeatedly. The other, I’m trying to shove in a coat, I’m bending over him to zip it up and he jumps up, smashing his head into my FACE. Without thinking, I clop him in the head. He’s crying, my nose is bleeding and the other one is still HONKING THE DAMN HORN!
Ok, got one buckled, now to the horn honker. Drag him back to his seat and well, he doesn’t want to go in. Why would he, he was happy horn honking. I’m dripping blood down my face, and both boys are crying and screaming, talk about over stimulation!
Did you pick up on the fact that I have 2 SETS OF TWINS?? God help me, I was EXHAUSTED. My hubby was away training. Got my Bigs (my 2 oldest daughters, NOT twins) to school on time, now I am just trying to move the remaining herd to the Boys speech appointment for which, of course, we are always late for.
The no longer happy, no longer horn honking one is refusing to GO IN THE DAMN SEAT! and I lose it. Screaming, crying, still bleeding, now punching the seat.
Get to speech therapy, settle everyone and call a friend. I tell her my morning saga and she says to me “It is ok to feel bad when you have acted badly. But is everyone OK?”
This is important because so often others tell us, it’s Ok, don’t worry about it, don’t feel bad, it can happen to anyone. But we need to feel bad when we have acted bad….this is the correct use of guilt and it helps us to grow and change.
This is acceptance of legitimate guilt. Sometimes we will fall very short of our personal parenting ideals and we will need to apologize and work to make it right. Repair the damage done and love on ourselves and our kiddos.
But mom guilt STICKS. It becomes prevalent and pervasive to all things if we are not guarded against it. When I become a stark raving, screaming, bloodied momma maniac I need to apologize. But how about when I give a kid the wrong color cup? Or they don’t like the breakfast I made? Or I opened their yogurt incorrectly? Or they don’t get the toy they wanted? Or they are sad and angry because it it is time to pick up? Or leave? Or? Or? Or?
At this point in my life I was saying no to everything and saying I’m sorry about everything. To my oldest daughters I was constantly saying “I can’t do that for you right now, I’m pumping, feeding, changing…..cooking, cleaning….” The Boys were watching way too much TV and I was always divided in some way between babies and tasks.
Sometimes it can be tough to tell the difference between legitimate guilt and mom guilt. Things go wrong and I feel bad. And that’s ok, but I need to remember it isn’t all my fault. But I ran to the bathroom and wasn’t watching and a kid got hurt. I took a quick shower and the boys started to fight and a toy got broke. I went inside to check on dinner and the dog jumped up and scratched one of the littles. I was working with or disciplining or reading or talking with one child and another child needed me in the bathroom and they were crying because I didn’t hear them. Are these things mine to carry or do things just sometimes happen?
I was exclusively pumping for the Babes. My littlest little wouldn’t latch. So one day or night (who knows nows, it was all a blur) I was pumping and reading through posts and comments on my exclusively pumping Facebook group and I came across this amazing little nugget of wisdom. I wish I could take credit for it but it’s not mine. I wish I could give credit for it but I didn’t realize in that moment that it would change my life.
“I like to call it mom grief, rather than guilt. Because there is sadness in not being able to do all you wanted and hoped, but grace and acceptance of your limitations will ultimately make you a better (and happier) momma.”
Oh.
Thank you.
Thank you to that wise momma. I owe you one.
There were so many things I wished were different, that I thought would be different. And of course, I mean better, right?? But we can only do what we can do. We are humans, awesome mommas that love our kids, but not actually super mommas who can do it all, all the time. We can only do what we can do…and today that is ok.
Later on, as the 4 (my 2 sets of twins born 2 years apart) got older, I encountered another run of mom guilt. One of my boys….that happy horn honker….would eventually be diagnosed with severe combined ADHD and anxiety. But before we got the diagnosis I was spending ALL of my time, effort and energy to keeping him alive. My other kids were definitely neglected during this period. It wasn’t fair to any of us, myself and my husband included. Even now, even though he is doing phenomenal, my attention goes to whichever child is on fire that day or that minute. Or throwing up. Even if all my kiddos were neurotypical my attention would always be divided, but throw in a couple of different learners, in difficult seasons and you have a taxing situation of many needs and only one momma to go around. So…yeah… the mom guilt abounds. But I repeat these words of wisdom and comfort and walk on.
I hope these words impact you, comfort you as much as they did me. It is not healthy to parent from a place of guilt. Then we tend to not parent at all, or at least I do. How can I call out the mostly well behaved child who has had little to no attention from me for not doing her chores? How can I set limits on tech time when I am unavailable to play a board game with them?
Mom guilt erodes our self esteem, our trust in ourselves. It paralyzes us. It keeps us from doing what we know we should do, could do and want to do. And God knows, these bright little challenging human beings we created sure know how to use it! Now, I would never call one of my little darlings manipulative… well, perhaps I have and perhaps they are sometimes. That does not make for healthy parent child relationships at all.
You’ve got this momma. Go do what you’ve gotta do. Go parent.
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